Coping with Miscarriage
It’s quite frequent that I discuss miscarriage with individuals I’m working with. One of the most commonly voiced concerns is whether or not someone is coping with the experience, “right.” Given that the experience of miscarriage has historically and continues to be addressed in private, there is also little information passed around about how to cope. Additionally, many are desiring to process this experience in efforts to prevent long-term pain. Sometimes, this question is prompted because of self-judgement about how they “should” be reacting and feeling. Here, I will provide a couple key points. Before I do so, I want to acknowledge that this is in no way an exhaustive list as each circumstance is complex. Also, this does not address the complexities that come with repeated loss or stillbirth.
There is NOT a playbook on how to respond or cope with miscarriage
Social pressures related to grief/loss, long standing stereotypes on the secrecy of miscarriage, and our own prior experiences often lead to a felt sense of confusion on “how” to feel. I encourage folks to be authentic in their feelings. What emotions came up for you when finding out, throughout the medical process of addressing the miscarriage, and since? Some people have feelings of devastation, grief, sadness. Some feel a bit more distant and matter-of-fact. Some might feel a sense of relief for a multitude of reasons; Some examples include a relief from the anxiety attached to the pregnancy, life circumstance, or medical findings causing the miscarriage.
We can feel the pain in waves or chunks. We don’t have to stay saturated in it.
Grief is an umbrella of different feelings that can change moment to moment and be triggered in the most unexpected circumstances. At times, the above point is brought up as a response to feelings of loyalty to the baby that was lost. When our loss isn’t known or recognized, we can feel as though we need to be in the grief or else the baby will be forgotten or again “we aren’t doing it right.” I encourage people to set 15-30 minutes aside in their day, NOT TOO CLOSE TO BED, to acknowledge and label the feelings that are coming up and to grieve the life, expectations, hopes, and dreams. This may be done through journaling or quiet moments of mindful reflection.
The right future is the future you/y’all decide is right
The response and “next step” conversations is one some grapple with. Some sentiments are “when is too soon to try again,” “we don’t want to try again for a long time,” “we want to wait, but not forever.” Because we live in a culture that requires CYA, I am not providing medical guidance and you should consult with your physician for individual information about physical clearance etc. From an emotional standpoint, do what you/y’all want to do. Some people experience their emotions following a miscarriage, and feel best jumping into planning treatment or timelines for trying to conceive again. Others, prefer some space to find a new normal before trying again. There’s no right or wrong. I do encourage communication within the couple (if relevant) to work on addressing potential discrepancies in wishes for next steps. Cue the word…compromise? Negotiation of needs?
All in all, aim to be authentic with yourself and if relevant, your partner about your feelings and needs. Everyone is different and there’s no one way to cope with something like miscarriage. If you need assistance or a listening ear, I’m here to help!
