The Two-Week Wait…2 Years Later
Behold, the conversation of the two week wait, alternatively referenced on pages, blogs, and reddit threads as the “TWW”. For those of you unaware, the TWW is ~14 days between ovulation (fertility window) and menstruation or a positive pregnancy test. In the initial stages of individuals intentionally trying to conceive, the TWW often is accompanied by emotions of excitement, anticipation, and hope. If day 14 is met with a negative pregnancy test and/or menstruation starts, feelings of disappointment can follow. Managing this rollercoaster is certainly fatiguing and at times can warrant individuals to seek support from friends or use distraction techniques.
Just as one wouldn’t suggest the same remedy for an individual experiencing a summer illness to an individual with a chronic condition, it would be ill-advised to suggest the same remedy to someone who has endured the TWW a couple times to someone suffering from infertility. Now, it’s not to say there can’t be any overlap, support from friends CAN, with the right person, still be helpful (more on this later). Distraction CAN be necessary and also helpful, but we will get into why the recommendation changes here soon.
In early experiences with the TWW, the plan and focus of trying again often helps one keep an overall positive outlook. Short-term distraction techniques can include things such as passion projects, scheduling events and hangouts in your calendar, spring cleaning, and vacationing can assist in pushing aside difficult thoughts and feelings of uncertainty and disappointment. Now, these aren’t inherently bad and can be quite productive and lead to positive experiences. Yet, as the months of trying continue on, the intensity of feelings, thoughts, concerns can begin to intensify. The overall outlook can begin to shift away from positivity. Other experiences such as fertility testing and procedures may begin to increase the time and financial investment which can impact relationships, work schedules, etc. What happens when distraction isn’t enough? What happens when you don’t have the resources to go on another vacation? Your house is spotless and you have nothing else to give to Goodwill, oh no!
Pain is not a comfortable feeling, but it is in fact a human experience. What seems and is quite well researched, is that when we feel pain, a large portion of us instinctively do things to avoid feeling the related discomfort. When distraction skills are used without also addressing and feeling the discomfort, we fall into an avoidant coping style. Other avoidant coping mechanisms include use of substances, working excessively, not talking about the subject (with your partner or inner circle people), or skillfully distancing oneself internally from painful things. Although there is short-term relief, this type of coping can and typically does come with large, long-term consequences. Pain paired with avoidance results in suffering. Thus, we have to allow time to acknowledge and feel the difficult thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It can be incredibly uncomfortable and scary, and this is why some elect to do so with a trained provider such as a therapist. Slowly and steadily, beginning to process the rollercoaster that has more downs than ups, lends way to a sense of grounding and ability to exist in your present circumstance.
All in all, it’s not black and white. Within infertility, distraction absolutely has a time and a place. Distraction is incredibly helpful on an “as needed” basis such as focusing intently on work to get through the work day while awaiting results from embryology. Maybe you have had a loss and felt the pain intensely and need to put the pain on a shelf, have a break and do something that feels good for you, with a plan to revisit that experience at a later time. It’s about creating a balance. In the beginning, balance isn’t always needed. However, after longer periods of struggle and challenge, there’s great benefit to looking at reality, labeling and feeling the feelings, and without judgement, understanding our thoughts.
Latte Talk Therapy is here to assist at any stage of this difficult journey! It honors the uniqueness that each individuals’ experience holds. No two stories are the exact same.
Book a consultation today for individual therapy or to register for the upcoming infertility groups. I look forward to meeting you!
Kayla Lien, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
